...for wisdom will come into your heart

Proverbs 2:6-15  

For the LORD gives wisdom; 

from His mouth come knowledge and understanding;

He stores up sound wisdom for the upright;

He is a shield to those who walk in integrity,

guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of His saints.

Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path;

for wisdom will come into your heart, 

and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;

discretion will watch over you,

understanding will guard you,

delivering you from the way of evil,

from men of perverted speech,

who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness,

who rejoice in doing evil and delight in the perverseness of evil,

men whose paths are crooked,

and who are devious in their ways.

Since the beginning, man has found ways to obscure truth to elicit approval for his evil deeds, starting with Adam and Eve.  People lie.  That is truth.  So how are we to make our way in a world rife with evil, deception, greed, hostility and violence?  We can start by coming back to basics:  The physical world is ruled by Satan, (Ephesians 2:1-3, 1John 5:19, Luke 4:6) with inspired minions following his orders in lock-step, eagerly lining up behind various celebrities, hashtags, politicians and the like to do his bidding. Satan has been around a long…long time, learning our hot-buttons, weaknesses, needs.  So it may seem the world is becoming more evil as we now have politicians and government agencies calling for violence[1], treason [2]and abandonment of the rule of law (Covington KY, Kavanaugh, Mueller, etc.etc) from their positions of influence, but I wonder if instead of more evil, the evil has become more strategic.  Sin and evil are one in the same, offensive to the heart of God, violently harmful to the Kingdom dwellers, part and parcel of the sin nature in the human condition.  It all has the same source and the same solution.  But the more strategic and focused the evil becomes, the more intense our focus on the LORD must be to walk free of it.  Evil can easily change its appearance so you are never totally sure which side to even fight on!  If we rely on our own understanding, we are easily distracted by that which elicits anger, our own hostility, desire for revenge, and even fear.  Those responses are just as offensive to God as the evil that elicits them.  We are also at risk of joining ranks with the wrong forces in a world where words are constantly re-defined so as to deceive. 

It appears we are in an age of accelerated evil.  Within my lifetime the morality of this culture has eroded to not only accept abortion, infanticide, and same sex marriage, but celebrate them, legislate them and regard them as positions of moral superiority.  A tenuous grip on one’s faith would make this a terrifying place.  This is the battle ground in which we need our ears tuned to the LORD’s whisper such that it can be heard above the turmoil and sounds of chaos.  Spiritual warfare is noisy.  And this is most definitely a spiritual battle.  If I look at an opponent through earthly eyes, I am angered – hostilities rise.  But if I view the situation after sufficient time in my prayer closet, I see the spiritual blindness of lost sheep, pitifully making their way through a world in which they are pawns of a masterful gamesman, Satan.  Then I am roused to pray, feel compassion, realize my response must follow a strategy I cannot see nor discern in my own strength.  This is where I must turn off the news, close my eyes and the door to the world, and fall on my face before the LORD praying for wisdom.  Knowledge.  Understanding.  That I may navigate this world as His chosen one, walking in integrity, thankful that He will guard the path of justice… That is where this proverb becomes my roadmap for strategic prayer for today.  In my prayer closet I can battle the forces that seek to defeat as many Christians as possible, strategically causing them to stumble - -  over their righteous anger – stumble over what they SHOULD feel in response to a sin being legislated and tax funded - - the problem is if this is dealt with in the flesh, it brings the Christian to a place of hostility and anger, instead of dealing in the spirit, where it brings the Christian to a place of deep mourning for the lost and blinded sheep.  Sheep sense the one they are safe with – and if we are dealing with hostility on our hearts that is going to leak out and repel those we seek to draw in to the saving space of grace, forgiveness, mercy and redemption. God’s message will never change, despite the new depths to which people will sink to fight Satan’s battle.  Joy, love and peace are still supposed to be the hallmark of a Christian.  Even today. 

---

[1] https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/washington-secrets/list-15-democratic-attacks-assaults-threats-on-republicans

[2] https://twitter.com/Comey/status/1018965071786110976

Invasive Weeds

1 Peter

1Peter 2:11 
Abstain from passions of the flesh which wage war against your soul...  It seems the war-waging  passions of my flesh were easy early in my walk to identify and deal with.  The closer I get to the Lord, the more stealth my sin becomes.  Mainly because the obvious has been dealt with.  Now I can find myself entertaining a heart condition that God would hate, and realize that I've been perfectly comfortable with this condition for a long time!  Of course I repent, but then it acts like those invasive weeds in the garden that send very woody roots out horizontally to spring up in unexpected places.  I am terrified by the fact that I ask the Lord to search my heart, I ask for conviction, but these things still can take their time to surface.  Just like the invasive weeds - you do not know they are there, but the root systems of your garden are being destroyed, infiltrated, weakened.  The nutrients intended for the vegetables are being absorbed instead by the invasive weeds.  Such a good picture of sin.  It weakens, limits, robs resources intended for Kingdom purposes and reallocates them to strengthen the enemy.   

So .... is that all there is?   Am I left with this picture of sin that prevails under the radar despite repentance?  "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Rom 8:37)  I believe our repentance needs to take an ax to the root of the sin.  Sometimes that - finding the root of the sin -  requires  soul searching, introspection, healing.  Fun example:  I am reading a book on "tidying up" the house, that involves massive purging of my stuff.  When I went through my wardrobe, I was to only keep articles of clothing that sparked joy.  But none of it sparked joy (except, of course, my kayaking and backpacking gear...).  I have had a terrible wardrobe my entire life.  I would buy clothing and never wear it.  The book revealed through it's research that people who grow up with other people's hand-me-downs (me) never learn what they like or dislike in their own clothing style.  The never develop their own style as a result of never learning to make clothing choices.  Boy, that got the bells going off.  Made perfect sense.  That is the root of the problem - - luckily someone else did the research, because that was not a topic I was about to devote a lot of introspection to, but it makes the point.  Clothes would not solve the problem, because the problem is not a lack of clothing, it is not knowing what clothing I like. 

So.... where does all this leave me?  I believe the Word.  I cling to every word of Scripture - it provides my oxygen.  We are MORE than conquerors because it says so.  We can not only overcome sin, but we can learn from it, be strengthened by it, help others through it, basically make a bigger dent in the landscape through conquering the sin than it made to begin with.  Sin's impact cannot be downplayed.  Sin, my own seemingly little and innocent sin is like throwing a rock into a still pond - - the waves it creates continue to disrupt the surface outward in all directions until its impact is absorbed by another surface, at which time its impact changes in nature and it takes on new life in its new temporary abode, until it is released again..... and again..... and again......  mindboggling.   So dealing with my sin is incredibly important to me.  I want goodness and godliness to be the reverberations I make in the world.  But if my strength is being sapped by the root system of the weeds - -  I will continue to struggle - fighting the weed instead of advancing in the Kingdom. 

"The Spirit helps us in our weakness." (Rom 8:26) 
                OK - - I am not alone.  I do not need to rely on my own resources to fight this battle.  God has acknowledged that I am weak, and provides support in my weakness.  I do what I can with what He has created me with, then, because I will still fall far short of the goal, He provides what I can never do to actually get me there.  But His help is in my weakness, not instead of using the tools (Eph 6:10)  He has given me.    

"For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."  (Rom 8:2)  I once had no choice.  I was trapped in a system that was destroying me.  But being in Christ has replaced the desires, the goals, the idols that previously dictated my path by being the recipients of my worship.  I was unable to worship God before Christ - I did not care to worship God before I was in Christ -- now I not only intensely desire God and worship Him, but I am free from the entanglement with the previous idols  to worship the One who is truly worthy of it.  He is my desire.  He is my joy.  I can enjoy the smile of God.

That is the freedom that enables the introspection that can honestly deal with sin - at its root.  There are some roots that grow from woundedness.  The wounds become deeply tangled from years of "making do", as they send out shoots that can infiltrate many areas of our lives.  Sometimes when we pull up weeds, we damage other desired plants near them. Collateral damage. Our woundedness is usually the result of another person's sin.  The outward ripples leaving carnage in their path.  That is the ugliness of sin.  It is given new life yet again by me acting out of that place of woundedness, and withholding blessing, or quite possibly acting sinfully or disobediently with regard to another, instead of being a conduit of the Lord's goodness and kindness and loving on His behalf.  If there is such a thing as an "orphan spirit", this is how it looks  to me - - one who is compelled to do and be for themselves because they know of no other way for their needs to be met. 

But I "did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but ...have received the Spirit of adoption as (a) son(s) by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" When God dealt with a wound in me, He revealed quite clearly that in my own strength I did not, and could not posses the capacity to provide what He was asking me to give. In the natural you cannot give what you do not have.  He was asking me to give out of my poverty in that area, because it was He who would provide the riches I was to give from.  I was to provide the very thing for others that I had yearned for and never received myself.  Sometimes I was willing, sometimes I was not.  I repent because lately I have felt less willing to yield in this area.  Serving the passion of my flesh -  the desire to withhold giving what I still yearn to receive, never actually provides that "thing" for me.  Funny how I can have it to give to another, but by withholding it, I cannot give it to myself.  I remain bereft.  And it is in THERE that we find the  joy.  THAT is the Spirit of Life - - Being adopted as His child guarantees that the unmet needs will be provided by Him, it is at His hand that I receive.  The root of this invasive weed species is trust, and a spirit of contentment.  When I trust Him to provide, and find satisfaction in His provision, I live out of the place of abundance, freedom, generosity with my time and efforts.  When I am doubting Him, instead of being a conduit for Kingdom work, I partner with the enemy and work to suppress the truth of His goodness and faithfulness. 

The Manifold Wisdom of God

Ephesians 3:10
"...so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places."

It seems to me that just like there is a physical and a spiritual "church" - there is a physical and a spiritual "member" of that church. There are physical duties and blessings of the physical church, but once we step beyond the barrier of the physical, and explore the heavenly places of the cosmic church, I wonder if we understand our role there. I think looming large among these roles is to glorify God in His plan and its outworking. To be seen in all moments in a position of amazement, trust and wordless wonder at however God chooses to bring us all to that moment when every knee bows and every heart cries "glory" as His reign is revealed. To never loose sight of the fact that we were once dead men walking, but we have been saved to a life of forever living in the presence and acceptance of God. In reality, we live in shadows of this truth without really seeing this treasure for what it is. I know this is true for me because if I really lived in full awareness of my salvation - I would be so pre-occupied and satisfied with Kingdom work that I would not have time to focus on the pain in my hip....or my concern over the direction of our country.... or when I can get out kayaking..... or.......or...or...

If I live to make known the manifold wisdom of God to those in heavenly places - "they" - the rulers and authorities there - must see what I'm doing. "They" have seen and understood those good endeavors that have, by their intervention, become polluted with greed and pride. The rulers of the air enjoy greater and greater success as more people are deceived into following lesser gods. Their work at unravelling the "church" and her "members" has proven so effective that is seems their attack was planned before the church was even built. Their intel is reliable and timely.
So what does it mean to demonstrate the manifold wisdom of God to this realm?
Do they see what I'm thinking? Do they see the doubt that pervades my season in this wilderness? Do they see behind the things I do outwardly because I don't trust inwardly?
When Jesus called the pharisees "white washed tombs" He was being critical of their impeccable adherence to the Law without any inward devotion to Its truth. God is glorified when the world, here and in the heavenly places, sees a believer obey. But I think the heart of this message is that God is also glorified when, in the silent moments of un-observed devotion, our hearts bend to honor God with the moment in whatever way is ours to give. Be it stepping out in faith when our flesh screams NO, or silently stepping up to the plate in prayer for a brother in need when the world would rather criticize, or maybe even trusting through a seemingly fruitless season of circling the mountain - - Bottom line - I must live as one who believes the promises of God are truth. Doubt must be drowned out by scripture of His faithfulness. Fear must be shouted down by scriptures proclaiming His protective love for me. And in moments like these, when I think I've circled the same mountain so many times that surely the Lord has given up on my usefulness in the Kingdom, I will wait in eager expectation - because in His perfect time - the way in is found. But only as I seek.

The Grace of Dissatisfaction

Words of a friend brought crystal clarity to a mountain I've been circling for a long time now. Those blogged words brought me back to my own blog, revealing just how distracted I've been from the path to joy, circling instead on the path of fun, healthy, happy pursuits. Nothing wrong with that- - unless you've basked in deeper pleasures and acquired a taste for joy. The past few years have brought many changes. I am a grandmother of five. I've started working out and now boast biceps that are nearly bigger than another anatomical feature in roughly the same vertical plane. Jake and I climbed a mountain in upstate New York- (large for Michigan standards, a joke for any one else's), developed a love of sea kayaking and the camaraderie that grows from exposure to conditions that require you, at times to actually rescue one another - We've started a neighborhood association that is a wonderful, community building pursuit in our declining Detroit suburb that has caused us, and many others, to see our property values drop to a third of what we paid for our homes. I've been elected Precinct Delegate - which brought me close enough to politics to hate it. Jake and I both remain gainfully employed in an area and a time that is challenging for many others. And last October we bought a television set, complete with cable - after not having a television signal in our home for the past 12 years. We quickly became addicted to NCIS. I am happy.

I lack joy.

I rarely engage the Word of God like I did before. God's Words were oxygen to my soul and food for my spirit - and created a strength that enabled me to traverse valleys the lowest I'd ever walked - fully aware of God's presence and provision - with joy. But the beauty of God's grace is that He has not allowed my distracted state of living to fill the void only He can satisfy. He beckons still - He has not abandoned me. Dissatisfaction in the midst of every reason to be fulfilled can only be described in two ways: depression, or a growing awareness that the path has veered off-course. God, being the ultimate joy, the highest pursuit, the ultimate satisfaction - will not allow that place in our souls to be satisfied by a counterfeit. He loves us too much. He demands greater commitment. The world will gladly accept a fake, but Kingdom transactions deal only in honesty.

The road back to joy begins today. Certainly not the first time I've declared this over the past few years. But this time it comes with a commitment with friends that will share the journey, the fellowship and time in the Word together - and provide much-needed accountability. Hopefully I'll blog the Spirit's workings as the springs of living water flow freely again.

Provisions

Not much time for blogging these days. Enough time to boast in the Lord's provisions, however. This morning I arrived at Karmanos Cancer Institute for my breast biopsy, following a series of mammograms and ultrasounds that apparently had some ominous findings. They proceeded to do another ultrasound then were to mark the areas for biopsy and whatever... we never got that far. The ultrasound revealed the findings, but they were now normal (for a coffee-holic such as myself). So a little more hunting, the radiologist came in and hunted, and determined whatever they were to biopsy was no longer scary looking, so I could get the heck outta there, which I did. So I drove home, having taken a holiday day, giddy with having a freebie day to do with as I wished. A few chores into the day I decided to head out to pick up birdseed. I no sooner closed the door behind me and realized the house keys were on the other side of it, having been disconnected from my key ring for valet parking... So I headed out for birdseed and called our friend Donna, who has a key to our house... who was available to meet me for lunch and hand off the key... I just seemed that everywhere I turned God's provision was there to bless me. We step out of bed and never know where the day will take us.

mistaken identity

I thought this day would bring great grief. Last night, partially sleepless, was spent up staring, imagining, attempting to project how I'd feel once it was finally gone. I was actually afraid to see the moment come, not really knowing how I'd respond. The thought occurred to me that I've spent the past 10 years gnawing my entrapped psyche free from the jaws of this hard task-master - this un-approving god. Trapped somehow, in my belief that the part of me most valuable, was defined by this god. I've spent over 30 years of my life struggling at this altar - struggling to be someone I wasn't. I've offered tears, sweat, hours, years - - life - -years of life - - at the altar of this god. And now it is gone. My dining room is now occupied by a dining table - instead of being dominated by a grand piano. I am no longer a musician. I no longer need to try to be a pianist. I no longer need to continually feel that I am only half as good as I should be. And the waves of grief are not over the loss of music in my life - they are over the loss of life as the cost of music - - the loss of life at the altar of pride which demanded I perfect the turn of a phrase - to agonize over nuances so subtle, most ears would not even notice. Wise ears would not even care. I exchanged much life for that brief moment of sound, which once created, immediately faded away into oblivion, leaving little but exhaustion behind.

But instead of grief, I think I feel relief. This fight has taken many years to end.

road to grace

The Lord has been really focused on a theme in my growth - at least that's what I HOPE is the explanation. The theme, I believe, has been and continues to be grace. The current means of teaching me about grace is through the emphasis of my being inconvenienced, expensed, delayed, overworked, and forced to put up with seemingly endless variations on a theme of stupidity in traffic (obviously, I am referring to others' stupidity....) etc., ad nauseum. It has seemed like one thing after another, people do the darndest things, you know.... And the more judgmental and critical and downright incensed I get, the more of it I encounter. And in more aggravating variations, situations. Then I get so focused in my mind about how inconsiderate and rude people can be that I begin to see all expressions of this as directed toward me. That was the trigger this morning that brought me back to my senses. The morning commute, my husband bracing himself against my agressive relationship with the accelerator... the diatribe that spews from my mouth when I had to floor it to get out of the way of a person who was about to smash into my rear quarter panel to squeeze into the closing lane beside us. Oh yea, and in my narcissistic state, feeling I was the recipient of all hostility, I initially interpreted the honking horn behind me as the lane crasher telling me to get out of his way, instead of the guy behind me who was about to loose his front quarter panel.... anyway, suffice it to say after the exhaust fumes cleared I sensed the Lord's nudge. "So... You think you're never the jerk, huh? Never make an honest mistake? Never have a lapse of concentration and need someone to give you a break??" And if I was still deceiving myself, I sensed further "How unfair or unjust was it that the Lord should lay down His life for you - for all the times you ARE a jerk?" He who knew no sin, becoming sin for me, not only forgiving my sin, but laying down his life for my self-centered, self-glorifying, prideful selfish self. He did this by choice. And I can't respond with grace when people drive like they're texting seven people at once, when they, for whatever reason seem oblivious to the fact that we are in rather tight community and need to show consideration to one another. When I was lost and living for myself, the Lord showed me extravagent grace by not holding my rude inconsideration against me. He took it upon Himself instead, then paid the price for my sins against Him. He didn't make me suffer the full consequences of my sin. This, however, is not in any way to be interpreted as condoning texting while driving.... :)

It is by this grace and loving forgiveness, that He brought me to cross, where by more of His grace I claimed Him as king. As I grow in understanding and appreciation of this amazing gift, I grow in my desire to live for Him, and die to self for Him. In my own strength this is all a nice fantasy. But in His strength, I have a chance to become Christ-like in my frustrations, in my road-rage-triggered moments. In His strength I have the opportunity to be an agent of His grace, bringing His love and hope into this realm that can seem so overgrown with hatred.

stargazing

I've been so busy trying to survive the days... weeks... that blogging has been the furthest thing from my mind. Until this morning in church, when the sermon so loudly echoed a conversation Jake and I shared a short time earlier... over coffee... in bed. Life seems really hard these days. Having more medical issues looming, for both of us, and the stress getting time off work (despite very gracious employers - it's our work ethic that causes us the stress), the stress of potential complications - (been there... done that...), fatigue, depression, - the list can go on, but you get the picture, life is feeling hard. Balancing the "negative" we can't help but notice that somehow we've managed to get through the days, navigate the trials, the Lord has shown us favor (Jake and I both received promotions in our jobs in the same week), and that even though it almost always feels as if the bottom is just about to drop out, it hasn't. And I no longer add to the end of that statement "...yet". God's faithfulness builds an expectation of His continued faithfulness.

I am finally fighting my way out of a season of extreme dryness in my quiet time... and a discerning reader will suspect in that a LACK of quiet time... But somehow I feel the Lord has ordained this. I've gained a new perspective. I've watched the Lord, through this season, peel away yet another layer of the legalism I brought with me to salvation - the layer that believed that if people really wanted to spend time with the Lord, they could. If they really wanted to spend time in the Word, they would. If they wanted to call themselves Christian, then they really should. I'm not trying to say that there is no truth in this, - but I'm saying I now understand the difficult place of the young mom chasing toddlers, the single mom balancing work, parenting and school, and those of us working long hours and struggling. Yet at the same time, the Lord is drawing me... with a question. For years I had the luxury of basking for hours daily in the Word - time was cheap. For the past 6 months the Lord has been asking me what He's worth to me now - - now that it is hard - now that it is costly - now that it is sacrificial to seek Him. It is no longer easy, but He is ever so much more precious to me. I've had experiences of His grace that just aren't there when life is less of a struggle. I've literally been carried by Him through a day's work when pain from various "attempts at athleticism" have nearly crippled me. When the night's sleep was lost (due to living in close proximity to people who need a lot less sleep than me) and fatigue was heavy, the Lord lifted me up. All during the time when I wasn't meeting my "quota" of intercessory prayer time, or study of the Word... imagine that. I don't deny the sin of prayerlessness, but I stand on the promise of forgiveness, which causes my heart to swell with praises of my Saviour. I am being kept by grace. Not because I'm doing all the right things, but because of God's mercy, which has embraced the humanity with which He created me, and created a way for me to remain steadfast - even when my mind is wavering and my heart is weary. Hallelujah!

new normal

I have been wondering when life would return to "normal". I've finally abandoned that pursuit, and am learning instead, to settle for our "new" normal. Given the huge life-changes we've been through in the last several months, I believe it was naive of me to expect anything to feel the same again. But as God guides us on our journey, surrender to His will has never left Jake or I feeling we were in the wrong place or that we'd arrived at the wrong time... nor have we looked at where He placed us and didn't like it. We love our new normal. Jake's job is going great - he continues to love it. He returned to his desk one month to the day from the date of his bypass surgery. My new job started on his 3rd post op day. At the time I wondered about the timing and what God was up to. Since then He's demonstrated, as always, that His timing is perfect, even when it feels very awkward to us. Had I postponed my start date, there would have been some very difficult days ahead for me, when my supervisor was unexpectedly unavailable for three weeks - but as it turned out, I was sufficiently oriented and "in the groove" to work solo by then. And I love my job as well. My saying is "it is the perfect job for me"- for as long as the Lord keeps me there. But it isn't easy. Exhaustion has become my constant companion. Not sure how or what to do about this. But I'm very tired, and on weekends, I am exhausted from trying to get all the week's work done. And so it goes. That is why I've been so quiet lately - too tired to think, much less, blog. But I blog today in an attempt to reclaim more of my life. But it is now way past my bedtime (4:30 comes quickly) and I'll start doing face-plants in my keyboard if I don't relocate soon. TTFN

group effort

Jake had his bypass - which was supposed to be a quad, but downgraded to a triple when they were unable to harvest vein of the proper diameter for the last - and supposedly unessential - coronary artery being bypassed. His heart showed immediate improvement from the increased blood supply as it was "re-connected" before they closed up his chest. He was taken off the vent around 10:00 PM, providing me the visual I needed to attempt sleeping through the night. You just can't rest when the image playing on your closed eyelids is of your beloved bucking and gagging on tubes that are keeping him alive wishing he were dead. But at every juncture through this journey, the Lord has provided. The Lord's provisions started long before we knew the journey had begun.
Much of this has been shared in previous blogs, through the sale of Smooth Change, our experiences in Oregon, the decision to take our home off the market and set the taproot in Michigan, the Lord's provision of our employment - just in time, as usual. At the close of 2007 we toasted less to the incoming new year than to the end of the last one. I don't think we were ever more relieved to see the end of a year, thinking that it brought the end of the challenges.... yet I recall one day in Sunday school, we were discussing what the Lord has been doing in our lives, and I said that I believed 2007 was a trial preparing us for something that lie ahead.
This morning Jake said something like: last year was marked by uncertainty. This year we are traveling into the unknown. At least to us.
But the unknown is not without a trail guide. The Lord had been preparing us for this ordeal for a long time now - I see that so clearly when I look back over 2007. The Lord recently brought us to a church and made it clear that this was the place He would set our root. We have been embraced by this body and upheld by prayer warriors from the very beginning of this thing. We have been recipients of the Love of Christ being poured out in many and varied ways - spiritual and practical - by people putting themselves out to help meet our needs. It has been the most amazing thing I've witnessed.

It started the day of surgery. I really believed I needed to be alone to hold it all together, and the several people who offered to come and sit with me were refused. My daughter wanted badly to come and be with me but I would not let her. I knew Jack, a pastor friend from a previous church was planning to come pray with us pre-operatively, and a dear friend, Barb, from the same church was coming to have coffee with me - for about 15 minutes, or so I thought. That was all I wanted, because I wanted to focus on being in the Word and allow the Lord to see me through the day. But the Lord had a different way of seeing me through the day. The Lord prompted a friend from a previous church - Ron - to come and see if I needed company. And soon after my sister, Trudy, showed up. Without my knowledge, Barb had made arrangements to camp out with me as well. I had three lovely people who carried me through the day, eased the burden, and showered Jake and the surgical team with prayer through the day. I had no idea how desperately I needed them. What a blessing.
My new job started 2 days after Jake's surgery. We got a very nice snowstorm that day, with several inches of snow accumulation. I love snow, but it made my commute home from work exceed an hour and a half, and then it took me over 40 minutes to reach the hospital to visit Jake. I arrived home well after 10:00, with plenty to do before I could go to sleep (and wake up by 4:30 to get to work on time) to find someone had shoveled my snow. I wept with joy. May the Hands of Christ be blessed!!
My sister Trudy arranged her work hours to allow her to watch over Jake during daytime visiting hours. There were many issues with his care that required some "supervision". She was very faithful to be his advocate when I could not. The peace that provided was enormous. I don't know how I could have focused on my job without her looking out for Jake.
Things got more challenging after Jake was discharged from the hosptial. Steeve, another friend provided early morning supervision for Jake's shower / dressing routine - something that made Jake very weak and faint early in his recovery. Knowing someone was here who could help if needed was enormous. The amazing people of Covenant Community Church provided visits, prayers, encouragement, cards, meals, calls, notes, reading material, offers for more help, and even participated in a scheduled web of drop-in visits that provided the safety and support Jake needed to be home alone all day once he was released from the hosptial.

The Body of Christ at large - from Seattle Washington to Texas, from Alberta and Ontario to Nettie West Virginia as well as many MI churches provided prayer support that I credit with Jake's result and recovery. In the midst of tremendous pain and fear, perhaps the darkest leg of our earth-bound sojourn to date, the Body of Christ provided love, comfort, practical help, and the most amazing prayer shield I've known. Times the darkness would begin closing in, fear would begin to take hold, a shield would go up and the Lord's promise would prevail. This is truly amazing stuff. I could actually feel the prayers push away the enemy's work, the enemy's threat - physical and spiritual. When I'd begin to loose faith, the reminder would come to my spirit that we are being prayed for by godly people. God is in control, not man. God is the Great Physician, not these apathetic people. The victory is the Lord's. If you knew the stuff Jake went through, and the complications he suffered, you, too, would be amazed that he was cleared to return to work on Monday. Yes he cannot drive yet... but the Lord happened to provide us each jobs downtown so I can drive him. True, his stamina may not permit a full day's work and I cannot be available to drive him home early... but the Lord provided Jake a job in a place where his boss has promised they will get him home when his workday exceeds his energy level. So the myriad of other details that could cause anxiety at this point have faded into the wonderful promises of a faithful God, who has proven time and time again, that He is bigger than the trial - even the big ones, He is better than our most careful plans, and He is more loving than we could ever deserve. I look at what I've been called upon to do and know that not one iota of this thing is me - it is the Lord, His strength, His direction, guidance and provision. Blessed be His name!

Lord willing

Those words have acquired much greater meaning to Jake and I. We have been seeing the Hand of God in amazing ways in our lives, awesome developments, unexplainable provisions.... God has a way of preparing you for Big Blows by revealing Big Blessings.... I'll start with the blessings: You know I've been in a season of searching. Rites of passage... The Lord led us to sell our company, and part of that struggle was the emotional part of letting go and having to live empty-handed for an unknown duration. I had no idea what I was going to do - and the time spent rehabbing my hands - time that felt horribly idle - was very effective at eroding what little self confidence I may have had at the time. God dropped a fantastic job in Jake's lap that he has remained absolutely thrilled with. Thrilled for Jake, it was hard to admit the emptiness of my days, the purposelessness, aimlessness - but God has placed me in this place, just as He placed Jake in his dream-job. So often I found myself feeling Dorothy's lament as she looked into the wizard's box from which the Lion received his courage and the Tin Man his heart, just knowing there was nothing in his box for her. I began to wonder what my future would / could hold.

Anyway, fast forward through what I'll blog about some other time, this past Tuesday I accepted MY dream job - I think a better fit could not have been created by man. I am totally excited to start and jump in with both feet. I really think I'm going to love it there. I start Monday- this is really a Big Blessing!

Now for the Big Blow:

We learned yesterday, after a cardiac catheterization that Jake needs bypass surgery. Monday. 2-3 vessels are severely blocked and could not be treated with a stent. Just the cardiac cath seemed far out enough for my healthy, active, fit, (tall, handsome, wonderful, never smoked, healthy eater...) husband... We were holding it together really well until today we were asked to go for some additional testing, and were given a tour of part of the area we'll be in for Jake's surgery - and the intensity really started getting to me. I thought I was going to wig out - but I was able to pull it back together after venting a bit... But for tonight, I'm on empty. It's been a very draining few days trying to get stuff done... details, preparation, all the stuff that I won't be able to cope with between Jake's situation and my new job... so I'm weary. I just wanted to share what has rocked our worlds - good and bad - because I'm not sure how bloggy I'll be through this ordeal. I changed my start date for work to Wednesday. Should be one heck of a week. But this is my Mantra: The Lord provided the blessings, the trials, and along with it promises to provide the grace, the energy, the clarity and focus that we will require to get through them. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be His precious and beautiful name.

much afraid

Lake Strelna in the summer nights of Alaska, photo taken around midnight.

Poor little Much Afraid seems to constantly fall short of her abilites, hopes and dreams because she is held back by fear. She allows people to force her into situations she detests because she is afraid to say NO, and would never dream of asserting NO as the final answer. She is afraid of what they'll do, believing somehow their opinion of her will wield some type of power over her life. So her life follows this miserable course of failure, disappointment and humiliation. Then she comes into the service of the Chief Shepherd, who demonstrates His love, who promises her a new life, He promises to take her to the high places - both here on earth, and in eternity - forever. He claims her as His own, promises if she only trust Him, He will protect her. But when it comes down the the wire and she is confronted with her terror - she caves. Predictably. In fact, as you read of her, it seems this is the only truly predictable aspect of her character. She caves when confronted with her terror. But as I contemplated this, I grew more and more uncomfortable with the knowledge that this to some degree, describes a lot - maybe most of us?? It strikes a few familiar chords in my life to be sure. So while I explore this phenomenon, I will hide behind Much Afraid, fearing of course, that somehow full disclosure of my own fearfulness might be harmful... you might think things about me that will be somehow diminish who I am... somehow have an effect on me...

But I'll take the risk, because I know I'm not the only one. I am in good company with those who know they are loved by the Chief Shepherd (Jesus Christ, of course), know they are secure in His hand, and yet suffer through days when they wonder where the feeling of victory is. It feels at times that there is an element or two of the promise missing. We wonder why it still feels like we are not sure we'll have the right response when confronted with today's challenge. We wonder in those quiet and honest places, why we really don't feel any stronger than we did before we were indwelt by the Holy Spirit.

As I took this before the Lord, one of the first clues He gave me involved our pre-occupation with feelings. First of all, our feelings are carnal, of the flesh, fickle, untrustworthy and above all - NOT REGENERATE! Our new identity in Christ is factually true, but that does not mean our feelings will get on-board with the new reality. Feelings are great - in their proper place, and the Lord can even use them to direct us to introspection when we come under the discomfort of spiritual conviction. But, they are not trustworthy enough to guide our decisions or chart our course. Think back over your life - how many times have your feelings been wrong?

I should probably make a distinction between feelings and "leadings" or spiritual discernment. When discernment is immature (as mine still is) it can be confused with feelings (been there, bought the T-shirt). But then after the Lord begins to grow it and provides confirmation (showing you that the thing you discerned was actually accurate) you look back and notice there was a slight difference between the way it "felt" compared to emotional feelings. So, I'm not putting discernment in the "feeling" category here, at least after the Lord has refined it.

The problem with feelings, I think, is that many of us are in a type of bondage to them. Somehow we've grown up with the belief that if it doesn't feel good, it can't be good. We wait for our feelings to get on board with something before we believe it. If I dont' feel strong, I can't possibly be strong. If I don't feel indwelt by the Holy Spirit, this whole salvation thing must not have worked for me. If I don't feel like I have wisdom, the Lord must not have heard my prayer for wisdom - despite His very clear promise that if we ask for it, He will grant it. It seems to me that the soulish realm of feelings is well established in enemy territory, and he is well versed at how to wield his influence there.

I guess in addition to Hinds' Feet, my own quest for wisdom for some situations has led me to this place as well. After praying for wisdom, for months, I didn't feel like I had any more wisdom than when I started seeking. I took this to the Lord, asking, so.... what about this prayer for wisdom? I don't feel like You've given me the wisdom You promised - I still feel as lost about this situation as before. Then the Lord began revealing situations He'd placed me in, in which wisdom was needed - He brought to my rememberance those conversations in which all I had to do was open my mouth and godly wisdom seemed to fall out. I slowly dawned (I can be dense...) that the wisdom is not for me, my comfort, or my "feeling" bucket. When He requires it of me, I can rest assured that I prayed for it, He will grant it. As long as I'm walking in the spirit. But like manna, I don't get a stockpile that I can sit back and admire and gloat - "ahhh, look at all the wisdom I've accumulated!"

I should think this holds true for much of the spiritual life. It is a walk of faith. Once we stockpile the provisions - whether they be wisdom, strength, faith or whatever, we are at greater risk of falling victim to self-reliance. And I should think self-reliance is the greater evil to be feared here.

So perhaps these words of the apostle Paul can encourage us; "I know a man in Christ who foureen years ago was caught up to the third heaven...into paradise... and he heard things that cannot to told, which man may not utter. On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses...So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

fair play

This was just too cute to not share, the squirrel feeder is now being dined upon by a White-Breasted Nuthatch! I wonder if I'm allowing my furry and feathered friends to hi-jack my blog as well as eat me out of house and home....

Hinds' Feet

Yea, so I'm busted. Big Deal.

A squirrel's gotta eat, ya know.



Well, I'd be more inclinced to agree, if I didn't feed them walnuts, almonds, pecans AND squirrel food... My furry friends know me all too well. I actually coaxed this guy out of my bird feeder with more walnuts. A friend from church introduced me to birding, and although I've always loved wildlife and nature, I feel as if I am seeing things for the first time. And having a blast. I'm trying to save the suet for the woodpeckers and nuthatches that have been gracing it. But as I observe wildlife, I am beginning to learn that I cannot micromanage their table manners. So, I sit back and watch my best attempts at wildlife engineering get gobbled up by Starlings. Such is life, no?



So, what's this got to do with Hinds' Feet? Absolutely nothing. That post is still brewing. Tomorrow I start a study of Hannah Hurnard's book "Hinds' Feet on High Places", and I am really looking forward to it. So far, however, I'm disappointed at how I relate to Much Afraid, as she adds up her deficiencies such that they nearly distract her from the Lord's strength, which is made perfect in our weakness. How beautiful it is to relinquish our notion of what we should be or even what we used to be and finally allow God to be fashion us into who He created us to be. How life-giving it is to realize that our imperfections, and our disabilities are no hindrance at all to the Lord. They are merely the proving ground for His glory.

If... we are willing to release the way we wish things were, and accept the way they are. For His glory, allowing His plan to prevail. The areas of my life that disappoint me, through seeking the Lord, can become the areas He brings victory through. As I trust Him to lead me, and bring what's best for me out of the experiences of life and surrender. So the squirrels eat the woodpecker food and the Starlings eat everything else... what's it to me? (So there is a tie in after all...) :)

year end

Chickadee in Kensington Metro Park.

I'm getting an early start on closing 2007, this time closing more than a year - but a chapter in my life as well. This season of crunching numbers and balancing accounts is almost a rite of passage. Passage from being employed, along with Jake, by a company of our own creation. Passage from being an employer, and the myriad related experiences, some good, some miserable. Passage from being my "own boss", which , translates into "everyone's my boss" as those of you who've been there can attest. But every passage "from" is also a passage "to" -even when still lacking knowledge of our destination. I've been giving some thought to the "to" of this passage, and the possibilities concealed in the promise of that tiny word. I am looking forward to the Lord's next assignment for my life. My prayer for 2008 is to live a life in which Christ has supremacy in everything (Col 1: 18). Funny thing is, I had thought I WAS doing that. But the beauty of growing nearer to the Lord is the whole Romans 7 thing: the closer I get, the more sinful I become... because I'm calling more things sin in my life...things that I previously accepted. But, what exactly is "supremacy"? ... Defined it would come across something like: The quality or condition of being the highest in authority, or rank, the highest in degree. But I sense the Lord beckoning me beyond words. If Christ TRULY has supremacy over everything in my life... yikes... my life should look quite a bit different. I used to think it would look like I have it all together... calm confidence in what I'm doing, and why - making progress in a clear direction, the day's agenda iron clad in my trusty planner, I know where I'm going and what I have to do, no more floundering with direction, purpose, seeming lack of accomplishment... But that place is not where the Lord has placed me at this moment in life. That place would be of my own creation - putting myself back in control to create comfort... security. Christ has no supremacy in that place... He barely gets an honorable mention. Allowing Christ's supremacy to be real in my life means I rejoice here. Right now. Not because of where I am or who I am, but because He IS. Regardless of the passage "to" that I'd like, as opposed to the one I may get. Allowing Christ's supremacy to have its proper influence over my life means I finally DO spend myself in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed in ADDITION to meditating on it. If the supremacy of Christ waves like a banner over my life, Jesus' words- - "A new command I give you: Love one another. ... By this all men will know that you are my disciples,..." - - will bear fruit that even my family can see and enjoy - - regardless of whether I'm on a good rant OR unusually pleased with humanity at the moment. So much could be transformed by such an allegiance. It seems to me that this is the key that will unlock the mysteries of loving as God would have us love, delighting in our weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions difficulties, or proclaiming with Paul: "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." The temporal benefit is that regardless of what actually happens, "joy" will be my daily dwelling place, instead of a yearly wish. "Rejoice" will become the state of my heart, instead of just a word on Christmas greetings. The eternal benefit will be enjoyed as we bask in the glory of God, being rewarded for our participation in its luster during our earthly sojourn.

a lot like Christmas

Atrium of the Compuware building in Downtown Detroit, (the heart of a very encouraging rebirth!).

I'm not a big fan of Christmas - and tend to struggle with involving myself in the whole commercial event it has become, instead seeking ways to infuse the "holiday" with meaning. Meditating on the incarnation has been a wonderfully meaningful thing, but I was still left with what to do about Christmas the "holiday". It came to me this morning in prayer. God is an on-time God... Just in time this time. The idea that the Lord gave was for us to give Grace Centers of Hope a donation on behalf of all the adults in my family. I called this morning, made the donation, and found myself putting ornaments on my nearly-naked Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I didn't even mind that as I did, nearly all the needles fell off. As I began dinner I found myself wandering among our CD collection for The Messiah - now it's Christmas. God became flesh and dwelt among us... and He gave us hope. He eased the burdens of the heavily laden. That is the Heart of God. So this Christmas instead of adding to the clutter of people's lives, the clutter will be spent to ease the burden of folks who don't have any clutter to worry about. I will be praying that my family is open to a suggestion that this replace all gift-exchanges among adults next year. I think that would make for the merriest Christmas ever! Merry Christmas!

gutters and pedestals

My grandson Andrew - - whatta cutie, eh?

I had the opportunity to share my testimony with the elder board / deacons and whoever else comprised the seemingly large gathering of people at my church, as part of the process of petitioning for membership. I love reflecting on and sharing my testimony, each time my gratitude deepens for a different aspect of the Lord's work in my life. As I prepared my thoughts, as is typical when I'm writing about the Lord, the words just flowed from my fingers. I was slightly surprised to see the aspect this preparation included.

When I first got saved, I was one of those people who believed God got off pretty easy with me. You know - - I wasn't in the gutter with addictions and "visible" problems... I actually felt the Lord didn't have much work to do at all to get me "cleaned up and ready for service." That is the blindness of pride. The ignorance of conceit. But I was a baby Christian, and didn't have a clue yet as to how this whole thing works.... As I've gotten to know the Lord and His heart - He has shown me, in doses I could handle, just how filthy and ugly my pride was to Him. As I prepared my testimony this time, I realized how pathetic pride is as well. I reflect back on all those gracious sisters and brothers, who held back reproof from this baby Christian, and instead bathed me in encouragement. God did not cross my path with those sisters in the Lord who seem to have created and appointed themselves to the Office of Official Rebuker. Yet I don't kid myself for a minute by thinking they "didn't notice".

I think of David, when the Lord confronted him for sinning by numbering the troops, and He wanted nothing to do with the Lord using human intervention for his judgement- He preferred the very Hand of God to dole out the punishment he had to endure. Likewise, the Lord didn't use people to correct me, instead He taught me through the Word and His Holy Spirit, and His very hand doling out judgement / consequence. He pitied my condition, and showed compassion to me. The Lord knew what would work better for this babe; I could no sooner receive reproof at that point than I could climb Mt. Everest. Granted being able to receive reproof is critical and important, and the way to wisdom - it just requires a little maturity under your belt to get there.

I believe the arthritis and my recent hand surgery was consequence of my pride - my pride made an idol of music, and literally put me in bondage to perfecting the turn of a phrase..., to the exclusion of many other things that were probably more important in my life. Phantom of the Opera is such a great depiction of this bondage... this slavery... that period of life that wasn't life at all. Part of how the Lord enabled me to see my bondage and my pride was through some very devestating losses. But tearing down idols is not a gentle process - and He began the demolition long before I got saved - the path He used to draw me to Himself was paved with the wreckage of my breaking. And as I look back at some experiences, which at the time were rather traumatic, I see the Hand of God and I overflow with gratitude, thanskgiving, relief. He used the broken fragments of my life to weave together my lifeline. What a wonderful introduction to Romans 8:28. Mercy 101. Grace for Dummies. But once you've been through the breaking of pride (not to imply He's done with me, nor that I've arrived...) you begin to wonder about that gutter. How different would the experience have been of the Lord's hand being used to lift me up, instead of to knock me down. Hmmm, another thought -- I bet the Lord sees the gutter as a very sacred place. Whatever brings us to the end of self is beautiful in God's eyes, and makes us more beautiful in His eyes as well.

rich in Him

I am not a believer in the prosperity teachings. I do, however, believe that God guides us by consequence and circumstance. When trials seem to stack up in life, I like to seek the Lord for any areas in which I might be out of alignment with His will, any areas of sin I have yet to recognize. Life has been like that... and I've been seeking.

Two weeks ago, I came under conviction regarding money we received for the sale of our company. This money had not yet come out of the corporate account, my thinking was to keep it intact until we know how much of it even ends up being ours. Our plan was to tithe on the money when it technically became ours. The wind-down phase of running a company has held some surprises so far, and I didn't figure we were out of the woods yet. It seemed prudent to keep the sum intact to cover the taxes that would be due from that sum, as well as the final bills from the CPA etc.etc.etc. At one point, my rough estimates seemed as though there would actually be very little remaining after everyone had gotten their piece.

Yet, I desired to be in the Lord's will - we are very aware that He is leading us by the hand through a mine field, and to follow His leading when the circumstances are loud, requires a connection that is not hindered by sin. As I considered the check in my spirit, the realization dawned that if I'm considering "technicalities" - once the sale of the company was closed, the money was "technically" ours - no longer the company's. On further reflection, I realized what we were actually doing was holding back from God until we knew our needs were met, then we'd tithe on what remained. That is not the spirit of tithing. Tithing, as I understand it, is to joyfully trust God to cover my need, as I eagerly offer Him what is acutally His, of what He has given me. Knowing the character of God enables me to trust Him and His purposes for my life. If financial hardship is how I will bring Him the greatest glory, I trust Him for that. If financial blessing is how I bring Him the greatest glory, I trust Him to lead me on that path as well. Either way, I trust Him enough to give Him back His portion before I know if "my" portion will be "enough" to cover my responsibilities... because I know He will provide for what He wants me to do.

So, we tithed on the money from the sale of the company at the beginning of this month. Since then I've been in a whirlwind. Jake and I were prepared for 4 months of job hunting. November began our 4th month. November's anticipated expenses wound up being nearly double what we'd budgeted, because of various unexpected "situations" (aka tests). Since tithing:

• unexpected income came in


• a credit with a company covered one of the bills that unexpectedly increased this month's expenses


• an insurance company decided to pay a claim they initially said was not their responsiblity, decreasing another unexpected expense
  
• an offer was made by a Christian sister (who had no idea any of this was going on) to pay for an expense we were covering for someone else in need


• the Lord provided a stragegy to eliminate a significant portion (most...) of this unexpected expense from an upcoming transaction


• cost saving alternatives were discovered for two significant ongoing expenses


• Jake accepted a job offer yesterday, has orientation today, starts Monday

I just needed to celebrate God's faithfulness by sharing this with you. I have been sharing this journey - not really knowing the destination, trusting that God would bring from it something to strengthen us, encourage us, reveal Himself to us. I am encouraged by these events. And while the journey continues, I sense God's hand very clearly in this story. I am enjoying the nearness of God as He navigates us through the minefield. When times are easy, it seems He can lead from a greater distance - but when the path is treacherous, being led by the hand is necessary. You can't hold His hand from too far away... I am made rich by His nearness.

To God be the glory!

heavenly wisdom

Crater Lake, Oregon

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom." James 3:13

Works were God's first revelation of Himself to humanity. Before Adam was molded from the clay of the earth, God created the clay, the earth, the universe and beyond what we have yet to discover. Into this perfect ecosystem, sustained by the will of God, humanity was born. I am one who is continually awestruck by the perfection of nature. When I vacation, I crave the works God -mountains, forests- and my souvenirs tend to be rocks. I am fascinated by the symbiotic
relationships strengthening what on its own, may not survive. Form follows function, function points to purpose, purpose supports an other's need. There are spiritual lessons in tree bark for heaven's sake - God's works are completely fascinating, logical, and utterly perfect. His works reveal His heart, His pure wisdom.

As Christ-followers, our assurance comes from the fruit of our faith - our works. It is through our works that others see Christ. But only our pure works, those done in the humility that comes from wisdom. This heavenly wisdom is described in James 3:17 as: pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Ouch. I am not sure I can point to much work I've accomplished yet birthed from that wisdom. Other's have argued this, but they've not seen the tainted motives of my heart - perhaps a desire to win someones approval, a desire to feel significant... the list is entirely too discouraging to continue. But the list of my tainted motives is not the point - the very fact that I am grieved by the list is fruit... indeed the pure fruit that reveals wisdom from heaven. Part of God's perfect creation is a system that is entirely dependent upon its Savior. The fact that am learning how to rely on my Lord is pleasing to God. The fact that in my own strength I fail - is the way He set the whole thing up. I cannot be pleasing to God in my own strength, or while working my own agenda.

But - - the desire to go beyond working in one's own strength lies in what is to be gained by such pursuit. Onlookers are to be moved to give glory to God for the works they see us perform - as the works of Jesus testified to the authenticity of His ministry. As God's works point to His heart, our works should reflect the heart of God when motivated by heavenly wisdom. Pure...peace-loving....considerate....submissive....full of mercy and good fruit..... impartial... sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (Jas 3:18). A harvest of righteousness will shine like a beacon to help the lost find their way to the only source of peace under the sun... the Son.

faith must be tested

Alaska, south of Anchorage, near the Kenai Penninsula

Somehow those words create a sense of uneasiness when the season is free and easy. During those seasons, testing is something I infrequently pray for -- aside from those times of intense desire to go deeper with the Lord - after He has cleverly drawn back, in order to lure me closer. In those moments of excruciating need for more of Him, I'll pray the "do what ever it takes" prayer, then hang on tight. But when everything seems to be going just fine, the testing of my faith is something I'd rather do without. However, today I read in an Expository Commentary on John "faith must be tested" - and I nearly jumped for joy. The words provided a ton of consolation to my spirit. After a while in the storm, I start to wonder if God is up to something else - I've searched my heart for any unconfessed sin... done everything I know to do in that area. Our employment situation has caused me to wonder if we could be reaping a harvest from bad seed sown in our business - but my most honest scrutiny consistently proves our business ethics above suspicion or reproach. We've wondered if we heard God wrong about selling the company - putting ourselves out of work in a terrible economy with record unemployment rates.... But after praying, fasting, seeking and awaiting confirmation - if God let us take a wrong turn, I don't know enough about God to get out of bed in the morning. The God I know doesn't try to conceal His will from those who are earnestly seeking it and Him. So we believe that God did indeed lead us to this place. We believe we walked here in obedience. We just expected different scenery when we arrived.... So this morning, when I read the words "faith must be tested" my spirit shouted YES! This is a test... this is only a test... if it were a real emergency I would have been instructed which radio station to tune to for further instructions! YESSS!