much afraid

Lake Strelna in the summer nights of Alaska, photo taken around midnight.

Poor little Much Afraid seems to constantly fall short of her abilites, hopes and dreams because she is held back by fear. She allows people to force her into situations she detests because she is afraid to say NO, and would never dream of asserting NO as the final answer. She is afraid of what they'll do, believing somehow their opinion of her will wield some type of power over her life. So her life follows this miserable course of failure, disappointment and humiliation. Then she comes into the service of the Chief Shepherd, who demonstrates His love, who promises her a new life, He promises to take her to the high places - both here on earth, and in eternity - forever. He claims her as His own, promises if she only trust Him, He will protect her. But when it comes down the the wire and she is confronted with her terror - she caves. Predictably. In fact, as you read of her, it seems this is the only truly predictable aspect of her character. She caves when confronted with her terror. But as I contemplated this, I grew more and more uncomfortable with the knowledge that this to some degree, describes a lot - maybe most of us?? It strikes a few familiar chords in my life to be sure. So while I explore this phenomenon, I will hide behind Much Afraid, fearing of course, that somehow full disclosure of my own fearfulness might be harmful... you might think things about me that will be somehow diminish who I am... somehow have an effect on me...

But I'll take the risk, because I know I'm not the only one. I am in good company with those who know they are loved by the Chief Shepherd (Jesus Christ, of course), know they are secure in His hand, and yet suffer through days when they wonder where the feeling of victory is. It feels at times that there is an element or two of the promise missing. We wonder why it still feels like we are not sure we'll have the right response when confronted with today's challenge. We wonder in those quiet and honest places, why we really don't feel any stronger than we did before we were indwelt by the Holy Spirit.

As I took this before the Lord, one of the first clues He gave me involved our pre-occupation with feelings. First of all, our feelings are carnal, of the flesh, fickle, untrustworthy and above all - NOT REGENERATE! Our new identity in Christ is factually true, but that does not mean our feelings will get on-board with the new reality. Feelings are great - in their proper place, and the Lord can even use them to direct us to introspection when we come under the discomfort of spiritual conviction. But, they are not trustworthy enough to guide our decisions or chart our course. Think back over your life - how many times have your feelings been wrong?

I should probably make a distinction between feelings and "leadings" or spiritual discernment. When discernment is immature (as mine still is) it can be confused with feelings (been there, bought the T-shirt). But then after the Lord begins to grow it and provides confirmation (showing you that the thing you discerned was actually accurate) you look back and notice there was a slight difference between the way it "felt" compared to emotional feelings. So, I'm not putting discernment in the "feeling" category here, at least after the Lord has refined it.

The problem with feelings, I think, is that many of us are in a type of bondage to them. Somehow we've grown up with the belief that if it doesn't feel good, it can't be good. We wait for our feelings to get on board with something before we believe it. If I dont' feel strong, I can't possibly be strong. If I don't feel indwelt by the Holy Spirit, this whole salvation thing must not have worked for me. If I don't feel like I have wisdom, the Lord must not have heard my prayer for wisdom - despite His very clear promise that if we ask for it, He will grant it. It seems to me that the soulish realm of feelings is well established in enemy territory, and he is well versed at how to wield his influence there.

I guess in addition to Hinds' Feet, my own quest for wisdom for some situations has led me to this place as well. After praying for wisdom, for months, I didn't feel like I had any more wisdom than when I started seeking. I took this to the Lord, asking, so.... what about this prayer for wisdom? I don't feel like You've given me the wisdom You promised - I still feel as lost about this situation as before. Then the Lord began revealing situations He'd placed me in, in which wisdom was needed - He brought to my rememberance those conversations in which all I had to do was open my mouth and godly wisdom seemed to fall out. I slowly dawned (I can be dense...) that the wisdom is not for me, my comfort, or my "feeling" bucket. When He requires it of me, I can rest assured that I prayed for it, He will grant it. As long as I'm walking in the spirit. But like manna, I don't get a stockpile that I can sit back and admire and gloat - "ahhh, look at all the wisdom I've accumulated!"

I should think this holds true for much of the spiritual life. It is a walk of faith. Once we stockpile the provisions - whether they be wisdom, strength, faith or whatever, we are at greater risk of falling victim to self-reliance. And I should think self-reliance is the greater evil to be feared here.

So perhaps these words of the apostle Paul can encourage us; "I know a man in Christ who foureen years ago was caught up to the third heaven...into paradise... and he heard things that cannot to told, which man may not utter. On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses...So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

fair play

This was just too cute to not share, the squirrel feeder is now being dined upon by a White-Breasted Nuthatch! I wonder if I'm allowing my furry and feathered friends to hi-jack my blog as well as eat me out of house and home....

Hinds' Feet

Yea, so I'm busted. Big Deal.

A squirrel's gotta eat, ya know.



Well, I'd be more inclinced to agree, if I didn't feed them walnuts, almonds, pecans AND squirrel food... My furry friends know me all too well. I actually coaxed this guy out of my bird feeder with more walnuts. A friend from church introduced me to birding, and although I've always loved wildlife and nature, I feel as if I am seeing things for the first time. And having a blast. I'm trying to save the suet for the woodpeckers and nuthatches that have been gracing it. But as I observe wildlife, I am beginning to learn that I cannot micromanage their table manners. So, I sit back and watch my best attempts at wildlife engineering get gobbled up by Starlings. Such is life, no?



So, what's this got to do with Hinds' Feet? Absolutely nothing. That post is still brewing. Tomorrow I start a study of Hannah Hurnard's book "Hinds' Feet on High Places", and I am really looking forward to it. So far, however, I'm disappointed at how I relate to Much Afraid, as she adds up her deficiencies such that they nearly distract her from the Lord's strength, which is made perfect in our weakness. How beautiful it is to relinquish our notion of what we should be or even what we used to be and finally allow God to be fashion us into who He created us to be. How life-giving it is to realize that our imperfections, and our disabilities are no hindrance at all to the Lord. They are merely the proving ground for His glory.

If... we are willing to release the way we wish things were, and accept the way they are. For His glory, allowing His plan to prevail. The areas of my life that disappoint me, through seeking the Lord, can become the areas He brings victory through. As I trust Him to lead me, and bring what's best for me out of the experiences of life and surrender. So the squirrels eat the woodpecker food and the Starlings eat everything else... what's it to me? (So there is a tie in after all...) :)

year end

Chickadee in Kensington Metro Park.

I'm getting an early start on closing 2007, this time closing more than a year - but a chapter in my life as well. This season of crunching numbers and balancing accounts is almost a rite of passage. Passage from being employed, along with Jake, by a company of our own creation. Passage from being an employer, and the myriad related experiences, some good, some miserable. Passage from being my "own boss", which , translates into "everyone's my boss" as those of you who've been there can attest. But every passage "from" is also a passage "to" -even when still lacking knowledge of our destination. I've been giving some thought to the "to" of this passage, and the possibilities concealed in the promise of that tiny word. I am looking forward to the Lord's next assignment for my life. My prayer for 2008 is to live a life in which Christ has supremacy in everything (Col 1: 18). Funny thing is, I had thought I WAS doing that. But the beauty of growing nearer to the Lord is the whole Romans 7 thing: the closer I get, the more sinful I become... because I'm calling more things sin in my life...things that I previously accepted. But, what exactly is "supremacy"? ... Defined it would come across something like: The quality or condition of being the highest in authority, or rank, the highest in degree. But I sense the Lord beckoning me beyond words. If Christ TRULY has supremacy over everything in my life... yikes... my life should look quite a bit different. I used to think it would look like I have it all together... calm confidence in what I'm doing, and why - making progress in a clear direction, the day's agenda iron clad in my trusty planner, I know where I'm going and what I have to do, no more floundering with direction, purpose, seeming lack of accomplishment... But that place is not where the Lord has placed me at this moment in life. That place would be of my own creation - putting myself back in control to create comfort... security. Christ has no supremacy in that place... He barely gets an honorable mention. Allowing Christ's supremacy to be real in my life means I rejoice here. Right now. Not because of where I am or who I am, but because He IS. Regardless of the passage "to" that I'd like, as opposed to the one I may get. Allowing Christ's supremacy to have its proper influence over my life means I finally DO spend myself in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed in ADDITION to meditating on it. If the supremacy of Christ waves like a banner over my life, Jesus' words- - "A new command I give you: Love one another. ... By this all men will know that you are my disciples,..." - - will bear fruit that even my family can see and enjoy - - regardless of whether I'm on a good rant OR unusually pleased with humanity at the moment. So much could be transformed by such an allegiance. It seems to me that this is the key that will unlock the mysteries of loving as God would have us love, delighting in our weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions difficulties, or proclaiming with Paul: "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." The temporal benefit is that regardless of what actually happens, "joy" will be my daily dwelling place, instead of a yearly wish. "Rejoice" will become the state of my heart, instead of just a word on Christmas greetings. The eternal benefit will be enjoyed as we bask in the glory of God, being rewarded for our participation in its luster during our earthly sojourn.

a lot like Christmas

Atrium of the Compuware building in Downtown Detroit, (the heart of a very encouraging rebirth!).

I'm not a big fan of Christmas - and tend to struggle with involving myself in the whole commercial event it has become, instead seeking ways to infuse the "holiday" with meaning. Meditating on the incarnation has been a wonderfully meaningful thing, but I was still left with what to do about Christmas the "holiday". It came to me this morning in prayer. God is an on-time God... Just in time this time. The idea that the Lord gave was for us to give Grace Centers of Hope a donation on behalf of all the adults in my family. I called this morning, made the donation, and found myself putting ornaments on my nearly-naked Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I didn't even mind that as I did, nearly all the needles fell off. As I began dinner I found myself wandering among our CD collection for The Messiah - now it's Christmas. God became flesh and dwelt among us... and He gave us hope. He eased the burdens of the heavily laden. That is the Heart of God. So this Christmas instead of adding to the clutter of people's lives, the clutter will be spent to ease the burden of folks who don't have any clutter to worry about. I will be praying that my family is open to a suggestion that this replace all gift-exchanges among adults next year. I think that would make for the merriest Christmas ever! Merry Christmas!

gutters and pedestals

My grandson Andrew - - whatta cutie, eh?

I had the opportunity to share my testimony with the elder board / deacons and whoever else comprised the seemingly large gathering of people at my church, as part of the process of petitioning for membership. I love reflecting on and sharing my testimony, each time my gratitude deepens for a different aspect of the Lord's work in my life. As I prepared my thoughts, as is typical when I'm writing about the Lord, the words just flowed from my fingers. I was slightly surprised to see the aspect this preparation included.

When I first got saved, I was one of those people who believed God got off pretty easy with me. You know - - I wasn't in the gutter with addictions and "visible" problems... I actually felt the Lord didn't have much work to do at all to get me "cleaned up and ready for service." That is the blindness of pride. The ignorance of conceit. But I was a baby Christian, and didn't have a clue yet as to how this whole thing works.... As I've gotten to know the Lord and His heart - He has shown me, in doses I could handle, just how filthy and ugly my pride was to Him. As I prepared my testimony this time, I realized how pathetic pride is as well. I reflect back on all those gracious sisters and brothers, who held back reproof from this baby Christian, and instead bathed me in encouragement. God did not cross my path with those sisters in the Lord who seem to have created and appointed themselves to the Office of Official Rebuker. Yet I don't kid myself for a minute by thinking they "didn't notice".

I think of David, when the Lord confronted him for sinning by numbering the troops, and He wanted nothing to do with the Lord using human intervention for his judgement- He preferred the very Hand of God to dole out the punishment he had to endure. Likewise, the Lord didn't use people to correct me, instead He taught me through the Word and His Holy Spirit, and His very hand doling out judgement / consequence. He pitied my condition, and showed compassion to me. The Lord knew what would work better for this babe; I could no sooner receive reproof at that point than I could climb Mt. Everest. Granted being able to receive reproof is critical and important, and the way to wisdom - it just requires a little maturity under your belt to get there.

I believe the arthritis and my recent hand surgery was consequence of my pride - my pride made an idol of music, and literally put me in bondage to perfecting the turn of a phrase..., to the exclusion of many other things that were probably more important in my life. Phantom of the Opera is such a great depiction of this bondage... this slavery... that period of life that wasn't life at all. Part of how the Lord enabled me to see my bondage and my pride was through some very devestating losses. But tearing down idols is not a gentle process - and He began the demolition long before I got saved - the path He used to draw me to Himself was paved with the wreckage of my breaking. And as I look back at some experiences, which at the time were rather traumatic, I see the Hand of God and I overflow with gratitude, thanskgiving, relief. He used the broken fragments of my life to weave together my lifeline. What a wonderful introduction to Romans 8:28. Mercy 101. Grace for Dummies. But once you've been through the breaking of pride (not to imply He's done with me, nor that I've arrived...) you begin to wonder about that gutter. How different would the experience have been of the Lord's hand being used to lift me up, instead of to knock me down. Hmmm, another thought -- I bet the Lord sees the gutter as a very sacred place. Whatever brings us to the end of self is beautiful in God's eyes, and makes us more beautiful in His eyes as well.

rich in Him

I am not a believer in the prosperity teachings. I do, however, believe that God guides us by consequence and circumstance. When trials seem to stack up in life, I like to seek the Lord for any areas in which I might be out of alignment with His will, any areas of sin I have yet to recognize. Life has been like that... and I've been seeking.

Two weeks ago, I came under conviction regarding money we received for the sale of our company. This money had not yet come out of the corporate account, my thinking was to keep it intact until we know how much of it even ends up being ours. Our plan was to tithe on the money when it technically became ours. The wind-down phase of running a company has held some surprises so far, and I didn't figure we were out of the woods yet. It seemed prudent to keep the sum intact to cover the taxes that would be due from that sum, as well as the final bills from the CPA etc.etc.etc. At one point, my rough estimates seemed as though there would actually be very little remaining after everyone had gotten their piece.

Yet, I desired to be in the Lord's will - we are very aware that He is leading us by the hand through a mine field, and to follow His leading when the circumstances are loud, requires a connection that is not hindered by sin. As I considered the check in my spirit, the realization dawned that if I'm considering "technicalities" - once the sale of the company was closed, the money was "technically" ours - no longer the company's. On further reflection, I realized what we were actually doing was holding back from God until we knew our needs were met, then we'd tithe on what remained. That is not the spirit of tithing. Tithing, as I understand it, is to joyfully trust God to cover my need, as I eagerly offer Him what is acutally His, of what He has given me. Knowing the character of God enables me to trust Him and His purposes for my life. If financial hardship is how I will bring Him the greatest glory, I trust Him for that. If financial blessing is how I bring Him the greatest glory, I trust Him to lead me on that path as well. Either way, I trust Him enough to give Him back His portion before I know if "my" portion will be "enough" to cover my responsibilities... because I know He will provide for what He wants me to do.

So, we tithed on the money from the sale of the company at the beginning of this month. Since then I've been in a whirlwind. Jake and I were prepared for 4 months of job hunting. November began our 4th month. November's anticipated expenses wound up being nearly double what we'd budgeted, because of various unexpected "situations" (aka tests). Since tithing:

• unexpected income came in


• a credit with a company covered one of the bills that unexpectedly increased this month's expenses


• an insurance company decided to pay a claim they initially said was not their responsiblity, decreasing another unexpected expense
  
• an offer was made by a Christian sister (who had no idea any of this was going on) to pay for an expense we were covering for someone else in need


• the Lord provided a stragegy to eliminate a significant portion (most...) of this unexpected expense from an upcoming transaction


• cost saving alternatives were discovered for two significant ongoing expenses


• Jake accepted a job offer yesterday, has orientation today, starts Monday

I just needed to celebrate God's faithfulness by sharing this with you. I have been sharing this journey - not really knowing the destination, trusting that God would bring from it something to strengthen us, encourage us, reveal Himself to us. I am encouraged by these events. And while the journey continues, I sense God's hand very clearly in this story. I am enjoying the nearness of God as He navigates us through the minefield. When times are easy, it seems He can lead from a greater distance - but when the path is treacherous, being led by the hand is necessary. You can't hold His hand from too far away... I am made rich by His nearness.

To God be the glory!