mistaken identity

I thought this day would bring great grief. Last night, partially sleepless, was spent up staring, imagining, attempting to project how I'd feel once it was finally gone. I was actually afraid to see the moment come, not really knowing how I'd respond. The thought occurred to me that I've spent the past 10 years gnawing my entrapped psyche free from the jaws of this hard task-master - this un-approving god. Trapped somehow, in my belief that the part of me most valuable, was defined by this god. I've spent over 30 years of my life struggling at this altar - struggling to be someone I wasn't. I've offered tears, sweat, hours, years - - life - -years of life - - at the altar of this god. And now it is gone. My dining room is now occupied by a dining table - instead of being dominated by a grand piano. I am no longer a musician. I no longer need to try to be a pianist. I no longer need to continually feel that I am only half as good as I should be. And the waves of grief are not over the loss of music in my life - they are over the loss of life as the cost of music - - the loss of life at the altar of pride which demanded I perfect the turn of a phrase - to agonize over nuances so subtle, most ears would not even notice. Wise ears would not even care. I exchanged much life for that brief moment of sound, which once created, immediately faded away into oblivion, leaving little but exhaustion behind.

But instead of grief, I think I feel relief. This fight has taken many years to end.

road to grace

The Lord has been really focused on a theme in my growth - at least that's what I HOPE is the explanation. The theme, I believe, has been and continues to be grace. The current means of teaching me about grace is through the emphasis of my being inconvenienced, expensed, delayed, overworked, and forced to put up with seemingly endless variations on a theme of stupidity in traffic (obviously, I am referring to others' stupidity....) etc., ad nauseum. It has seemed like one thing after another, people do the darndest things, you know.... And the more judgmental and critical and downright incensed I get, the more of it I encounter. And in more aggravating variations, situations. Then I get so focused in my mind about how inconsiderate and rude people can be that I begin to see all expressions of this as directed toward me. That was the trigger this morning that brought me back to my senses. The morning commute, my husband bracing himself against my agressive relationship with the accelerator... the diatribe that spews from my mouth when I had to floor it to get out of the way of a person who was about to smash into my rear quarter panel to squeeze into the closing lane beside us. Oh yea, and in my narcissistic state, feeling I was the recipient of all hostility, I initially interpreted the honking horn behind me as the lane crasher telling me to get out of his way, instead of the guy behind me who was about to loose his front quarter panel.... anyway, suffice it to say after the exhaust fumes cleared I sensed the Lord's nudge. "So... You think you're never the jerk, huh? Never make an honest mistake? Never have a lapse of concentration and need someone to give you a break??" And if I was still deceiving myself, I sensed further "How unfair or unjust was it that the Lord should lay down His life for you - for all the times you ARE a jerk?" He who knew no sin, becoming sin for me, not only forgiving my sin, but laying down his life for my self-centered, self-glorifying, prideful selfish self. He did this by choice. And I can't respond with grace when people drive like they're texting seven people at once, when they, for whatever reason seem oblivious to the fact that we are in rather tight community and need to show consideration to one another. When I was lost and living for myself, the Lord showed me extravagent grace by not holding my rude inconsideration against me. He took it upon Himself instead, then paid the price for my sins against Him. He didn't make me suffer the full consequences of my sin. This, however, is not in any way to be interpreted as condoning texting while driving.... :)

It is by this grace and loving forgiveness, that He brought me to cross, where by more of His grace I claimed Him as king. As I grow in understanding and appreciation of this amazing gift, I grow in my desire to live for Him, and die to self for Him. In my own strength this is all a nice fantasy. But in His strength, I have a chance to become Christ-like in my frustrations, in my road-rage-triggered moments. In His strength I have the opportunity to be an agent of His grace, bringing His love and hope into this realm that can seem so overgrown with hatred.