mistaken identity

I thought this day would bring great grief. Last night, partially sleepless, was spent up staring, imagining, attempting to project how I'd feel once it was finally gone. I was actually afraid to see the moment come, not really knowing how I'd respond. The thought occurred to me that I've spent the past 10 years gnawing my entrapped psyche free from the jaws of this hard task-master - this un-approving god. Trapped somehow, in my belief that the part of me most valuable, was defined by this god. I've spent over 30 years of my life struggling at this altar - struggling to be someone I wasn't. I've offered tears, sweat, hours, years - - life - -years of life - - at the altar of this god. And now it is gone. My dining room is now occupied by a dining table - instead of being dominated by a grand piano. I am no longer a musician. I no longer need to try to be a pianist. I no longer need to continually feel that I am only half as good as I should be. And the waves of grief are not over the loss of music in my life - they are over the loss of life as the cost of music - - the loss of life at the altar of pride which demanded I perfect the turn of a phrase - to agonize over nuances so subtle, most ears would not even notice. Wise ears would not even care. I exchanged much life for that brief moment of sound, which once created, immediately faded away into oblivion, leaving little but exhaustion behind.

But instead of grief, I think I feel relief. This fight has taken many years to end.

road to grace

The Lord has been really focused on a theme in my growth - at least that's what I HOPE is the explanation. The theme, I believe, has been and continues to be grace. The current means of teaching me about grace is through the emphasis of my being inconvenienced, expensed, delayed, overworked, and forced to put up with seemingly endless variations on a theme of stupidity in traffic (obviously, I am referring to others' stupidity....) etc., ad nauseum. It has seemed like one thing after another, people do the darndest things, you know.... And the more judgmental and critical and downright incensed I get, the more of it I encounter. And in more aggravating variations, situations. Then I get so focused in my mind about how inconsiderate and rude people can be that I begin to see all expressions of this as directed toward me. That was the trigger this morning that brought me back to my senses. The morning commute, my husband bracing himself against my agressive relationship with the accelerator... the diatribe that spews from my mouth when I had to floor it to get out of the way of a person who was about to smash into my rear quarter panel to squeeze into the closing lane beside us. Oh yea, and in my narcissistic state, feeling I was the recipient of all hostility, I initially interpreted the honking horn behind me as the lane crasher telling me to get out of his way, instead of the guy behind me who was about to loose his front quarter panel.... anyway, suffice it to say after the exhaust fumes cleared I sensed the Lord's nudge. "So... You think you're never the jerk, huh? Never make an honest mistake? Never have a lapse of concentration and need someone to give you a break??" And if I was still deceiving myself, I sensed further "How unfair or unjust was it that the Lord should lay down His life for you - for all the times you ARE a jerk?" He who knew no sin, becoming sin for me, not only forgiving my sin, but laying down his life for my self-centered, self-glorifying, prideful selfish self. He did this by choice. And I can't respond with grace when people drive like they're texting seven people at once, when they, for whatever reason seem oblivious to the fact that we are in rather tight community and need to show consideration to one another. When I was lost and living for myself, the Lord showed me extravagent grace by not holding my rude inconsideration against me. He took it upon Himself instead, then paid the price for my sins against Him. He didn't make me suffer the full consequences of my sin. This, however, is not in any way to be interpreted as condoning texting while driving.... :)

It is by this grace and loving forgiveness, that He brought me to cross, where by more of His grace I claimed Him as king. As I grow in understanding and appreciation of this amazing gift, I grow in my desire to live for Him, and die to self for Him. In my own strength this is all a nice fantasy. But in His strength, I have a chance to become Christ-like in my frustrations, in my road-rage-triggered moments. In His strength I have the opportunity to be an agent of His grace, bringing His love and hope into this realm that can seem so overgrown with hatred.

stargazing

I've been so busy trying to survive the days... weeks... that blogging has been the furthest thing from my mind. Until this morning in church, when the sermon so loudly echoed a conversation Jake and I shared a short time earlier... over coffee... in bed. Life seems really hard these days. Having more medical issues looming, for both of us, and the stress getting time off work (despite very gracious employers - it's our work ethic that causes us the stress), the stress of potential complications - (been there... done that...), fatigue, depression, - the list can go on, but you get the picture, life is feeling hard. Balancing the "negative" we can't help but notice that somehow we've managed to get through the days, navigate the trials, the Lord has shown us favor (Jake and I both received promotions in our jobs in the same week), and that even though it almost always feels as if the bottom is just about to drop out, it hasn't. And I no longer add to the end of that statement "...yet". God's faithfulness builds an expectation of His continued faithfulness.

I am finally fighting my way out of a season of extreme dryness in my quiet time... and a discerning reader will suspect in that a LACK of quiet time... But somehow I feel the Lord has ordained this. I've gained a new perspective. I've watched the Lord, through this season, peel away yet another layer of the legalism I brought with me to salvation - the layer that believed that if people really wanted to spend time with the Lord, they could. If they really wanted to spend time in the Word, they would. If they wanted to call themselves Christian, then they really should. I'm not trying to say that there is no truth in this, - but I'm saying I now understand the difficult place of the young mom chasing toddlers, the single mom balancing work, parenting and school, and those of us working long hours and struggling. Yet at the same time, the Lord is drawing me... with a question. For years I had the luxury of basking for hours daily in the Word - time was cheap. For the past 6 months the Lord has been asking me what He's worth to me now - - now that it is hard - now that it is costly - now that it is sacrificial to seek Him. It is no longer easy, but He is ever so much more precious to me. I've had experiences of His grace that just aren't there when life is less of a struggle. I've literally been carried by Him through a day's work when pain from various "attempts at athleticism" have nearly crippled me. When the night's sleep was lost (due to living in close proximity to people who need a lot less sleep than me) and fatigue was heavy, the Lord lifted me up. All during the time when I wasn't meeting my "quota" of intercessory prayer time, or study of the Word... imagine that. I don't deny the sin of prayerlessness, but I stand on the promise of forgiveness, which causes my heart to swell with praises of my Saviour. I am being kept by grace. Not because I'm doing all the right things, but because of God's mercy, which has embraced the humanity with which He created me, and created a way for me to remain steadfast - even when my mind is wavering and my heart is weary. Hallelujah!

new normal

I have been wondering when life would return to "normal". I've finally abandoned that pursuit, and am learning instead, to settle for our "new" normal. Given the huge life-changes we've been through in the last several months, I believe it was naive of me to expect anything to feel the same again. But as God guides us on our journey, surrender to His will has never left Jake or I feeling we were in the wrong place or that we'd arrived at the wrong time... nor have we looked at where He placed us and didn't like it. We love our new normal. Jake's job is going great - he continues to love it. He returned to his desk one month to the day from the date of his bypass surgery. My new job started on his 3rd post op day. At the time I wondered about the timing and what God was up to. Since then He's demonstrated, as always, that His timing is perfect, even when it feels very awkward to us. Had I postponed my start date, there would have been some very difficult days ahead for me, when my supervisor was unexpectedly unavailable for three weeks - but as it turned out, I was sufficiently oriented and "in the groove" to work solo by then. And I love my job as well. My saying is "it is the perfect job for me"- for as long as the Lord keeps me there. But it isn't easy. Exhaustion has become my constant companion. Not sure how or what to do about this. But I'm very tired, and on weekends, I am exhausted from trying to get all the week's work done. And so it goes. That is why I've been so quiet lately - too tired to think, much less, blog. But I blog today in an attempt to reclaim more of my life. But it is now way past my bedtime (4:30 comes quickly) and I'll start doing face-plants in my keyboard if I don't relocate soon. TTFN

group effort

Jake had his bypass - which was supposed to be a quad, but downgraded to a triple when they were unable to harvest vein of the proper diameter for the last - and supposedly unessential - coronary artery being bypassed. His heart showed immediate improvement from the increased blood supply as it was "re-connected" before they closed up his chest. He was taken off the vent around 10:00 PM, providing me the visual I needed to attempt sleeping through the night. You just can't rest when the image playing on your closed eyelids is of your beloved bucking and gagging on tubes that are keeping him alive wishing he were dead. But at every juncture through this journey, the Lord has provided. The Lord's provisions started long before we knew the journey had begun.
Much of this has been shared in previous blogs, through the sale of Smooth Change, our experiences in Oregon, the decision to take our home off the market and set the taproot in Michigan, the Lord's provision of our employment - just in time, as usual. At the close of 2007 we toasted less to the incoming new year than to the end of the last one. I don't think we were ever more relieved to see the end of a year, thinking that it brought the end of the challenges.... yet I recall one day in Sunday school, we were discussing what the Lord has been doing in our lives, and I said that I believed 2007 was a trial preparing us for something that lie ahead.
This morning Jake said something like: last year was marked by uncertainty. This year we are traveling into the unknown. At least to us.
But the unknown is not without a trail guide. The Lord had been preparing us for this ordeal for a long time now - I see that so clearly when I look back over 2007. The Lord recently brought us to a church and made it clear that this was the place He would set our root. We have been embraced by this body and upheld by prayer warriors from the very beginning of this thing. We have been recipients of the Love of Christ being poured out in many and varied ways - spiritual and practical - by people putting themselves out to help meet our needs. It has been the most amazing thing I've witnessed.

It started the day of surgery. I really believed I needed to be alone to hold it all together, and the several people who offered to come and sit with me were refused. My daughter wanted badly to come and be with me but I would not let her. I knew Jack, a pastor friend from a previous church was planning to come pray with us pre-operatively, and a dear friend, Barb, from the same church was coming to have coffee with me - for about 15 minutes, or so I thought. That was all I wanted, because I wanted to focus on being in the Word and allow the Lord to see me through the day. But the Lord had a different way of seeing me through the day. The Lord prompted a friend from a previous church - Ron - to come and see if I needed company. And soon after my sister, Trudy, showed up. Without my knowledge, Barb had made arrangements to camp out with me as well. I had three lovely people who carried me through the day, eased the burden, and showered Jake and the surgical team with prayer through the day. I had no idea how desperately I needed them. What a blessing.
My new job started 2 days after Jake's surgery. We got a very nice snowstorm that day, with several inches of snow accumulation. I love snow, but it made my commute home from work exceed an hour and a half, and then it took me over 40 minutes to reach the hospital to visit Jake. I arrived home well after 10:00, with plenty to do before I could go to sleep (and wake up by 4:30 to get to work on time) to find someone had shoveled my snow. I wept with joy. May the Hands of Christ be blessed!!
My sister Trudy arranged her work hours to allow her to watch over Jake during daytime visiting hours. There were many issues with his care that required some "supervision". She was very faithful to be his advocate when I could not. The peace that provided was enormous. I don't know how I could have focused on my job without her looking out for Jake.
Things got more challenging after Jake was discharged from the hosptial. Steeve, another friend provided early morning supervision for Jake's shower / dressing routine - something that made Jake very weak and faint early in his recovery. Knowing someone was here who could help if needed was enormous. The amazing people of Covenant Community Church provided visits, prayers, encouragement, cards, meals, calls, notes, reading material, offers for more help, and even participated in a scheduled web of drop-in visits that provided the safety and support Jake needed to be home alone all day once he was released from the hosptial.

The Body of Christ at large - from Seattle Washington to Texas, from Alberta and Ontario to Nettie West Virginia as well as many MI churches provided prayer support that I credit with Jake's result and recovery. In the midst of tremendous pain and fear, perhaps the darkest leg of our earth-bound sojourn to date, the Body of Christ provided love, comfort, practical help, and the most amazing prayer shield I've known. Times the darkness would begin closing in, fear would begin to take hold, a shield would go up and the Lord's promise would prevail. This is truly amazing stuff. I could actually feel the prayers push away the enemy's work, the enemy's threat - physical and spiritual. When I'd begin to loose faith, the reminder would come to my spirit that we are being prayed for by godly people. God is in control, not man. God is the Great Physician, not these apathetic people. The victory is the Lord's. If you knew the stuff Jake went through, and the complications he suffered, you, too, would be amazed that he was cleared to return to work on Monday. Yes he cannot drive yet... but the Lord happened to provide us each jobs downtown so I can drive him. True, his stamina may not permit a full day's work and I cannot be available to drive him home early... but the Lord provided Jake a job in a place where his boss has promised they will get him home when his workday exceeds his energy level. So the myriad of other details that could cause anxiety at this point have faded into the wonderful promises of a faithful God, who has proven time and time again, that He is bigger than the trial - even the big ones, He is better than our most careful plans, and He is more loving than we could ever deserve. I look at what I've been called upon to do and know that not one iota of this thing is me - it is the Lord, His strength, His direction, guidance and provision. Blessed be His name!

Lord willing

Those words have acquired much greater meaning to Jake and I. We have been seeing the Hand of God in amazing ways in our lives, awesome developments, unexplainable provisions.... God has a way of preparing you for Big Blows by revealing Big Blessings.... I'll start with the blessings: You know I've been in a season of searching. Rites of passage... The Lord led us to sell our company, and part of that struggle was the emotional part of letting go and having to live empty-handed for an unknown duration. I had no idea what I was going to do - and the time spent rehabbing my hands - time that felt horribly idle - was very effective at eroding what little self confidence I may have had at the time. God dropped a fantastic job in Jake's lap that he has remained absolutely thrilled with. Thrilled for Jake, it was hard to admit the emptiness of my days, the purposelessness, aimlessness - but God has placed me in this place, just as He placed Jake in his dream-job. So often I found myself feeling Dorothy's lament as she looked into the wizard's box from which the Lion received his courage and the Tin Man his heart, just knowing there was nothing in his box for her. I began to wonder what my future would / could hold.

Anyway, fast forward through what I'll blog about some other time, this past Tuesday I accepted MY dream job - I think a better fit could not have been created by man. I am totally excited to start and jump in with both feet. I really think I'm going to love it there. I start Monday- this is really a Big Blessing!

Now for the Big Blow:

We learned yesterday, after a cardiac catheterization that Jake needs bypass surgery. Monday. 2-3 vessels are severely blocked and could not be treated with a stent. Just the cardiac cath seemed far out enough for my healthy, active, fit, (tall, handsome, wonderful, never smoked, healthy eater...) husband... We were holding it together really well until today we were asked to go for some additional testing, and were given a tour of part of the area we'll be in for Jake's surgery - and the intensity really started getting to me. I thought I was going to wig out - but I was able to pull it back together after venting a bit... But for tonight, I'm on empty. It's been a very draining few days trying to get stuff done... details, preparation, all the stuff that I won't be able to cope with between Jake's situation and my new job... so I'm weary. I just wanted to share what has rocked our worlds - good and bad - because I'm not sure how bloggy I'll be through this ordeal. I changed my start date for work to Wednesday. Should be one heck of a week. But this is my Mantra: The Lord provided the blessings, the trials, and along with it promises to provide the grace, the energy, the clarity and focus that we will require to get through them. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be His precious and beautiful name.

much afraid

Lake Strelna in the summer nights of Alaska, photo taken around midnight.

Poor little Much Afraid seems to constantly fall short of her abilites, hopes and dreams because she is held back by fear. She allows people to force her into situations she detests because she is afraid to say NO, and would never dream of asserting NO as the final answer. She is afraid of what they'll do, believing somehow their opinion of her will wield some type of power over her life. So her life follows this miserable course of failure, disappointment and humiliation. Then she comes into the service of the Chief Shepherd, who demonstrates His love, who promises her a new life, He promises to take her to the high places - both here on earth, and in eternity - forever. He claims her as His own, promises if she only trust Him, He will protect her. But when it comes down the the wire and she is confronted with her terror - she caves. Predictably. In fact, as you read of her, it seems this is the only truly predictable aspect of her character. She caves when confronted with her terror. But as I contemplated this, I grew more and more uncomfortable with the knowledge that this to some degree, describes a lot - maybe most of us?? It strikes a few familiar chords in my life to be sure. So while I explore this phenomenon, I will hide behind Much Afraid, fearing of course, that somehow full disclosure of my own fearfulness might be harmful... you might think things about me that will be somehow diminish who I am... somehow have an effect on me...

But I'll take the risk, because I know I'm not the only one. I am in good company with those who know they are loved by the Chief Shepherd (Jesus Christ, of course), know they are secure in His hand, and yet suffer through days when they wonder where the feeling of victory is. It feels at times that there is an element or two of the promise missing. We wonder why it still feels like we are not sure we'll have the right response when confronted with today's challenge. We wonder in those quiet and honest places, why we really don't feel any stronger than we did before we were indwelt by the Holy Spirit.

As I took this before the Lord, one of the first clues He gave me involved our pre-occupation with feelings. First of all, our feelings are carnal, of the flesh, fickle, untrustworthy and above all - NOT REGENERATE! Our new identity in Christ is factually true, but that does not mean our feelings will get on-board with the new reality. Feelings are great - in their proper place, and the Lord can even use them to direct us to introspection when we come under the discomfort of spiritual conviction. But, they are not trustworthy enough to guide our decisions or chart our course. Think back over your life - how many times have your feelings been wrong?

I should probably make a distinction between feelings and "leadings" or spiritual discernment. When discernment is immature (as mine still is) it can be confused with feelings (been there, bought the T-shirt). But then after the Lord begins to grow it and provides confirmation (showing you that the thing you discerned was actually accurate) you look back and notice there was a slight difference between the way it "felt" compared to emotional feelings. So, I'm not putting discernment in the "feeling" category here, at least after the Lord has refined it.

The problem with feelings, I think, is that many of us are in a type of bondage to them. Somehow we've grown up with the belief that if it doesn't feel good, it can't be good. We wait for our feelings to get on board with something before we believe it. If I dont' feel strong, I can't possibly be strong. If I don't feel indwelt by the Holy Spirit, this whole salvation thing must not have worked for me. If I don't feel like I have wisdom, the Lord must not have heard my prayer for wisdom - despite His very clear promise that if we ask for it, He will grant it. It seems to me that the soulish realm of feelings is well established in enemy territory, and he is well versed at how to wield his influence there.

I guess in addition to Hinds' Feet, my own quest for wisdom for some situations has led me to this place as well. After praying for wisdom, for months, I didn't feel like I had any more wisdom than when I started seeking. I took this to the Lord, asking, so.... what about this prayer for wisdom? I don't feel like You've given me the wisdom You promised - I still feel as lost about this situation as before. Then the Lord began revealing situations He'd placed me in, in which wisdom was needed - He brought to my rememberance those conversations in which all I had to do was open my mouth and godly wisdom seemed to fall out. I slowly dawned (I can be dense...) that the wisdom is not for me, my comfort, or my "feeling" bucket. When He requires it of me, I can rest assured that I prayed for it, He will grant it. As long as I'm walking in the spirit. But like manna, I don't get a stockpile that I can sit back and admire and gloat - "ahhh, look at all the wisdom I've accumulated!"

I should think this holds true for much of the spiritual life. It is a walk of faith. Once we stockpile the provisions - whether they be wisdom, strength, faith or whatever, we are at greater risk of falling victim to self-reliance. And I should think self-reliance is the greater evil to be feared here.

So perhaps these words of the apostle Paul can encourage us; "I know a man in Christ who foureen years ago was caught up to the third heaven...into paradise... and he heard things that cannot to told, which man may not utter. On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses...So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

fair play

This was just too cute to not share, the squirrel feeder is now being dined upon by a White-Breasted Nuthatch! I wonder if I'm allowing my furry and feathered friends to hi-jack my blog as well as eat me out of house and home....

Hinds' Feet

Yea, so I'm busted. Big Deal.

A squirrel's gotta eat, ya know.



Well, I'd be more inclinced to agree, if I didn't feed them walnuts, almonds, pecans AND squirrel food... My furry friends know me all too well. I actually coaxed this guy out of my bird feeder with more walnuts. A friend from church introduced me to birding, and although I've always loved wildlife and nature, I feel as if I am seeing things for the first time. And having a blast. I'm trying to save the suet for the woodpeckers and nuthatches that have been gracing it. But as I observe wildlife, I am beginning to learn that I cannot micromanage their table manners. So, I sit back and watch my best attempts at wildlife engineering get gobbled up by Starlings. Such is life, no?



So, what's this got to do with Hinds' Feet? Absolutely nothing. That post is still brewing. Tomorrow I start a study of Hannah Hurnard's book "Hinds' Feet on High Places", and I am really looking forward to it. So far, however, I'm disappointed at how I relate to Much Afraid, as she adds up her deficiencies such that they nearly distract her from the Lord's strength, which is made perfect in our weakness. How beautiful it is to relinquish our notion of what we should be or even what we used to be and finally allow God to be fashion us into who He created us to be. How life-giving it is to realize that our imperfections, and our disabilities are no hindrance at all to the Lord. They are merely the proving ground for His glory.

If... we are willing to release the way we wish things were, and accept the way they are. For His glory, allowing His plan to prevail. The areas of my life that disappoint me, through seeking the Lord, can become the areas He brings victory through. As I trust Him to lead me, and bring what's best for me out of the experiences of life and surrender. So the squirrels eat the woodpecker food and the Starlings eat everything else... what's it to me? (So there is a tie in after all...) :)