Sailing is a sport that humbles control freaks. When pursuing a destination upwind, since a sailboat cannot sail directly into the wind, the course must be slightly off the wind, and the destination is reached by several zig-zags. This is called tacking upwind. So if the wind is coming from where you want to go, you are in for a bit of effort to reach your destination. But this can be an exciting sailing position because you can heel, or sail with the boat leaning over dramatically as the sails are trimmed tight against a strong wind, a sure fix for adrenalin junkies. Fun stuff. But reaching your destination can be a different story. Last night our destination was right where the wind was coming from. But the weather was perfect, the company was good, and no one really seemed to care where we wound up. So we tacked back and forth across a good stretch of water into the wind, and then we were treated to a run back to the marina by sunset.
A run can feel so effortless that you need to look at bubbles or debris in the water zooming past you to be reminded that you are actually moving. And at a good clip. You no longer feel the wind against your face, and since you are running with it, don't sense any resistance to the wind by the boat or sails. The over-all sense of it is peace... calm... REST. Surrender. While the upwind course can spell adventure to many, running with the wind lacks all the outward display of sport, of risk, of skill. It is a place of resting while the wind and current just carry you along.
Jake and I are currently in a place where trusting the Lord is a huge focus. We are suspended in a place of waiting, with several opportunities to make a false start, think we've figured out God, every new perspective threatens to convince us that THIS SURELY MUST BE IT. Now, with the sleeping passion of sailing awakened, we are considering ways to stay in the Great Lake State... But the Lord has very clearly demonstrated to us that when it is time, and when it is really IT, He will make it clear. Part of the discomfort of this new place is the lack of busyness - the lack of stuff to do. What that really equates to is a lack of importance - the loss of being needed for MY OWN contributions.
After a season of working to prove to myself that I was saved, (and undoubtedly others as well) I'm beginning the learn how to run with the wind, instead of against it... opposed to it, even if well intended and "only a little". It really looks like I'm not accomplishing anything at all, you know? My planner is not plastered with ink. There are openings in my schedule. Many, in fact. I'm currently out of work, and must remain so until after I've recovered from hand surgery that is scheduled for next Friday. That probably will not be until January. I have no committee meetings, no leadership meetings, not even any "official" discipleship involvement. I'm really not serving in an "official" position with my church, as the Lord has said "no" to many requests placed before Him. I feel like I really bring nothing to the party, you know?
There is really nothing left for me to bring, or do, or lead or plan, because He has already done everything that matters. The only thing left for me to do, is to follow. To respond. Not passive indifference, but a poised readiness, that refuses to indulge in a false start to relieve its discomfort.
From this place I'm learning some things about myself.
- I'd rather study God's Word deeply and thoroughly than pursue a new career.
- I'd rather learn to pray well than learn better time management so I can fit more in my schedule.
- I'd rather learn to love well than to lead, or plan, or direct, or whatever.
- I'm getting comfortable - slowly - with "nothing to show" for "who I am". That's a biggie. During the seasons past, it was all I had.